Kink Quest

I am back!

2008-05-16T16:35:00.002-04:00

ha why was I away.. well I was trying to have a baby and it didn't work. hmm. I'll tell you all about that one day but ths blog was not set up for that.

On the quest front.... B.

B and I have had conversation and meetings since feb and we are getting closer but still not there to the 1st meeting standards.

We do talk and for right now I am letting my membership laspe.

I wish I could write more but, not right now.

Beyond Leather 2008

2008-04-07T12:46:00.003-04:00

I usually carry a few bags to any convention. One is usually all the rope I carry (a ton of 6mm hemp rope from twisted Monk and my pretty girly pink 8mm from Rainbow Rope)

The other bag normally Carries all my other toys, including my floggers, whips clamps and paddles. I so carry a scene specific small bag for the dungeon play areas.. normally I know what I want to do to some and what toys to bring down stairs.

I will be attending the "Beyond Leather." conference in south Florida and for once it's in my back yard so the money I would have spend on airfare allows me a bit of buying freedom.

The point of this post however, is aimed at how different this convention will be for me then the others in the past. For one this Amo will not be with me until almost the end of "BL2008" and also it will be the 1st time that I have already declined offers to play so basically my dance card will be empty. I am looking forward to just walking around the scenes and just observe. This time I will allow things to organically occur and not pre plan any activities other then the classes I want to take. This time I get to be the voyageur and it might be refreshing to drink in the energy of a lot of scenes as oppose to just the scenes I am involved with.

The reason for my shadow presences at "BL2008" mainly consists of moving forward from a very emotionally draining past few months and with the hope of regaining positive energy. The only person that I might play with and hopefully that does happen would be with Amo, since he's suffered along with me.

We are lucky these days that bdsm conventions are planned all throughout the country and abroad. We get to learn and mingle with people that understand us, we gather energy to inspires us and discover more. We also reconnect and sometimes need a reminder that this is where we are happy and who we are.

I haven't given up on the quest only took some time off because I needed it in order to heal. Attending this convention is more of a recharger then anything else.

I am sure that I post more about the weekend's outcome when we get back next week.

And now to do what every girl does precon... get gussy up ;-)

back from Prague and Czech Republic

2008-03-14T09:56:00.004-04:00

Yes I am back to the States and yes the trip was a wonderful one. We visited Prague, Vienna and the Czech countryside.

I am just getting my bearings and finally back on eastern standard time.

Perhaps one day I might mention the real reason for going to this part of Europe but for now thats a rather private discussion that I am not quite ready to share.

Of course my in box is quite full and those that Ileft behind waiting to meet me are waiting to do so. Perhaps next week I might venture into looking at those ads again, right now there are other things pressing that need resolution before I continue.

I have some pictures loaded on my flickr account if anyone wants to view them:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/8748001@N04/

Switching

2008-02-20T16:46:00.002-05:00

Sometimes my Dom husband does switch a little for me, it's more along the D/s line and nothing more then that. But I must say that when he does it turns me on in a huge way. He's not submissive at all, so when he lets me take control over him sexually it's like the black velvet box sort of a gift to me.

We had one of those nights last night, right before our trip which is a very intense and emotional trip for us.

I have in the past flogged him (more to show him technique and how it feels)
I have in the past tied him up (More for me to learn ties that I have not mastered)
I last night dominated him sexually(because I felt like it)

It doesn't change anything about us, but it's such a nice un expected gift that I am a very happy girl for it.

The resistance of our bodies

2008-02-15T17:15:00.011-05:00

And the wickedness of knowing how far to push our bodies. Last weekend my husband and I went to a play party thinking I could meet a few folks there. Of course the gentlemen that did agree to meet me there never showed up and it was a huge loud party with over 500 guests.

Naturally I get bored and I wanted to show Amo a trick that I have known for ages. The match book trick.

Yes give a creative Sado Masochist any time with any object and yes her mind does tend to wonder and come up with all forms of delightful torture. Yes this is me always thinking how I can torment people with any object that I encounter. This pastime does help me with spur of the moment scenes in the most vanilla places, and the matchbook was one of them.

Back to the party, and I am terribly bored and well I had not decided to play with Amo yet, So I asked Amo to hand me a book of matches, I lit one and smiled.

Amo knows my smiles by now and knew I meant to do something with that lighted match, I blew it out almost right before it touched the top of my breast, quickly only touching it enough to produce a tiny red mark.

I explained that If I wanted to really do something else I would have left it a bit longer and then a blister would surface, but with care it would go away. I also explained that for newbees I would tie them to something solid beneath me and blow out the flame a bit higher and let it land on them, only causing small red dots on the skin.

Amo loves me and knows that I have done this countless times, but he always has the fear look in his eyes when he actually sees what I am capable of. I don't have any fear because I've done this so many times and have had this done to me, I know how far to push, that knowledge gives me freedom. That freedom allows me to explore the not physical aspects of this form of play but the mental, including the aspect of fear...I find this now to be the most enjoyable part.

Of course I have to know what my partner's body can tolerate or not. A fair skinned person I might have to be a bit more careful with. A submissive that doesn't handle pain too well, I might play more on the fear, a masochist I might make a blister a prize token that he or she will carry for two weeks, I might even sign my name on them to make it mean more.

The thing is to know what is the total process from infliction, to healing, til gone takes. also who is my submissive what is the body of my submissive, this knowledge helps me. Am I giving away too many secrets? scream if I do.

What I am willing to do to make sure that process is completed. That means being the attentive Domme and making sure that he or she is healed and is doing exactly what I request in terms of healing.. another post for this.

So I told him to get over it and to try it on me the next time around, he did and this time he didn't pull the blown out match away quickly, so a tiny little scar is there where he touched me, this was last Saturday 7 days ago. The mark will fade within another 7 days. I have to say I was very proud of him for going for the gut and testing me, my hubby is never scared of my dominance only intrigued. I like that about him, since he is a Dom himself.

He asked me if I would ever do that to someone, and I answered yes, but only for the right person. I don't know if it was my fearlessness or the way that I was confident in my answer, but he told me later:

" I now know why you intimidate certain people, you project that no fucking around aura. People that play with you know this instinctively."

I did remind my darling husband that I do play with him and he reminded me later that evening he is a excellent student and will one day be the student that teaches the Mistress.

Stood up, figures.

2008-02-15T16:45:00.003-05:00

Seriously alt.com should change it's name to wanker.com, Or maybe waste of a huge amount of time.com.

One more strike across the list, is it any wonder that we dommes have it just as hard? I am leaving on Europeon trip in less then 7 days, so I might give the quest a rest until I come back. But in the mean time I'll still post, since I hope to be able to meet up with my German pals that are very much into bondage and have somewhat perfected the art.

I wonder if Prague has a bdsm community?

on meeting B

2008-02-12T11:49:00.001-05:00

B is one of the gentlemen that I've been having several phone conversations, we are suppose to meet this Friday.

We've had this somewhat sexy banter going back and forth now for about a week's time. There seems to be chemistry there and maybe just maybe we might click. Which brings me to the subject of meeting folks and expectations.

We all have expectations when first meeting a potential partner. Your mind has developed all these scenarios based on what you already know about that person, more often then not it's your mind's version of the person and not who they really are. I tend to keep my expectations low and go more on physcial reactions and information gleamed by conversation. There is always some sort of nervousness because frankly it's a bit awkward and you need to observe mannerisms. You know that it's going good when there is laughter and ease, but this can simply be friendship, which is all well and good, but that is not the reason you agreed to meet.

THe agreement to meet was to see if the version of the person in your mind reconciles to the person before you and if there is that spark that allows both parties to continue dsicovering the reality of each person.

I've had meetings with submissive men that I thought went wrong, later to find out that they thought it went well and were dying to see me again. Too bad OG but we will get to play I promise. Then there have been meetings where I had high expectation and although the phone conversations seemed fine there simply was no chemistry. I don't mind making friends but there has to be something for both parties involved. When it goes well with both parties and you both know it, then a lot more happens.

So while my mind is already picturing B tied up in a chest harness and all manner of things are being discovered about him, the realist in my thinks the following:

1. What if he doesn't like me, what If I don't like him... this takes a bit of time and well getting the nerves out of the way.

2. What does his mannerisms tell me, what has he not told me yet that I will find out in that first meeting. What have I already learned reading in between the lines about him, some things I don't like and some I do.

3. How can we make this work, knowing his travel restriction and mine, will I feel the same about him as I do when I talk to him over the phone.

But what usually happens is if there is chemistry, right off the bat I feel a lot more relaxed and I tend to ask more questions. I will notice his mannerisms more and begin to test out his reactions to my touching him. I'll use certain words and gauge what happens from then on out. I notice his eyes and what happens to them when I suggest things.

If it's there then it's only a matter of finding a bit of privacy to feel him out more. I need to feel his submission or at least the willingness to submit to me, once I see that, then it's sort of a done deal and I move on. By showing me your willingness to submit to me you give me permission and I go forward and take. Yes I take liberties because you have become something that I desire.

B has planned a good part of the day for me on Friday and I am hoping it will be a good meeting, I am going to be honest and admit that there are the bits of nervousness that always happen for there is also that hope that things will happen quite normally for me and that I see the sparkle of submission in his eyes.

The well planned scene vs spur of the moment.

2008-02-06T11:20:00.000-05:00

Ahh let's get comfy because this will be a long one, kick off your shoes and sit a spell with me.

There are four types of scene that I normally engage in.

For the purpose of this post the scenes are detailed in a non sexual content, although depending on the relationship that can be.

1. Spur of the moment, we are together and I get in the mood to do something to you or want you to do something for me. This normally happens in a established relationship or with really good friends. I have to be able to know you well enough and of course you have to have a certain measure of trust in me.

2. The casual play of friends mostly this will happen in a club or convention. A friend might have asked me that last time we met that they wanted to be flogged, caned or how hot it would be to be tied up. I ask a few more questions, cover the basics -safewords, triggers-good and bad- and then have fun.

3. The scenes that are training, or rather it's mutually agreed that we had a specific protocol or goal for these sessions. Again this would require a relationship since there would be a D/s dynamic and there would be long term goals. Here is where I enjoy improving my bondage skills. This may also be the place where service submission is honed in, through commands and tasks. In these session not only is my submissive learning to improve him self or herself to please me, I am also improving myself.

4. And then there is the carefully planned out scene, the one that often develops organically, over a period of weeks and involves lots of discussions. Out of all the scene detailed above this last one most certainly does involve some sort of sexual component for me. There is a lot of mind play and build up energy. These sort of scene I reserve for long term friends, lovers and relationships that I have a strong bond with. These type of scene push me as well as my bottom/sub to that edge that we also like to get so dangerously near.

The energy differs quite a bit from say scene #1 to say scene #2, also you can see where in #2 I am more of a service dominant, where in #3 and 4 I am not.

I recently had a#4 type scene with a very good friend that I had known for a while, her Master, and Amo. It basically began when K asked a simple question about a intense scene involve very light pain at a party. It morphed into a month long seduction and discussion on the topic, until K gave her consent.

It required on my part, preparation (eg: looking a Chinese water torture device) getting the right uniforms for all involved, discussions with her, her Master and Amo and basically test driving the device to see if it would work at all. (Yeah that meant me under the drip mechnaism to see how long it would take me to finally want out) To interrogation methods research. As you can see a lot of work and mentally energy was put into that scene in order to have it work the way I wanted it to.

All parties involved were mutually satisfied with the scene and I know as a top that I enjoyed myself a lot, K. thought it was a wonderful scene and she was very happy that so much effort did go into it that it felt very real and not a role playing exercise.

Although I do have a #2 sort of relationship with K. it was rather nice to be able to provide a scene that required as much of myself as that one did. It gave me the nice top headspace that is the flip of bottom space.

What you can tell by the contents of a toy bag.

2008-02-01T10:35:00.000-05:00

You can tell alot about me just by peaking inside. Because I am a switch and a rope bondage lover, most of the toys in my bag switch as well.

Although I call myself a dominant masochist with a sadistic side, I think I am more along the lines of a senualist, although a extreme one at that. I enjoy the feeling of sensations on my skin, I also enjoy the sounds that come out of people I play with when I apply these same sensations.

But I am dominant in my sexual appetitie, so guess what? There are often times when I as a Domme will be on the cross and I will be the one telling my submissive partner what to do, when to do it and how hard..how very hard. It's kind of stange being in this head space because it combines my Domme Top headspace with that nice floaty bottoming headspace and all at once I am in control, even if it appears I am not. It's cool to know exaclty who you are and what you are, even if it might confuse others.

It's no wonder that I have been told that the contents of my toybag is scary at times, because I get equal pleasure from most the the instruments within, and I do havea very presuasive manner when introducing a toy to someone new. Sometimes I show what that toy does to me and it makes it a little bit less scary.

When introducing say this new toy I want to try with my violet wand I get the "that scares me, I don't know" and then weeks later.. "I can't stop thinking about that, can we try baby steps?" to full out months later "AHHH I love that, remember when I said that thing was a hard limit? How did you know that I would love it so much."

I didn't, I let you figure it out on your own, besides I let you see how much I enjoyed ectrical toys and CBT using electricty and well, my enjoyment and the desire to please me sort of won in the end.

Cool reponse

2008-01-31T10:03:00.000-05:00

Hey, now this was nice a silly poem for me....ahh He's getting a reply back

Roses are red, violets are blue, I just might be the perfect rope experimental model for you. Roses are red, bananas are yellow, I am in search of a D who yearns to rope bondage a really cool fellow.

No more ... please!!!!

2008-01-30T20:00:00.000-05:00

ok no more penis pictures, please!!!

I think I've had my fill and NO idiot it doesn't mean a goddamn thing to me unless I know you. Women work way differently then men!!!

***sigh** I am just deleting right off the bat, seriously don't post any penis pictures unless you want the same reaction. Really I am not even bothering to read your profile and guess what because of something stupid you did you'll miss out on me. Hell I know I am at least real, I like this, love it , love being this way..do you really want to miss the chance?

Sorry folks no pictures on this post because I think I am up to my fill with penis pictures. Ohh and if you didn't already know I love penis/ cock and naughty bits, but I like to attach them to men I find sexy.

Ahh and btw pussy pictures are equally squicky in my book, let me discover you.

I rather get a picture of a chest tie, or you just being you, even a picture of you kneeling (in fact that would be so damn hot) would have been a welcomed change. Just be you and not your tool or tongue, trust me I will notice someone genuine amongst the crowd.

The reason women do not respond to your Ad

2008-01-29T12:35:00.001-05:00

Because there isn't enough time! Seriously, my email box is quite full and even if I were to search for that right submissive partner I have to first weed through the mountain of emails like these:

1. Penis pictures - seriously do you think this is going improve your chances of getting a reply?

2. The mass generate email to all new ads in hopes that like fishing, that someone will take the bait.

3. The Doms that insist that you might find them attractive enough and continually send you emails hoping to break down your defenses.

4. The much much older gentlemen that god bless them, are actually the nicer bunch or the horny teenager that wants to tell you how his cock and tongue are a gift.

I began by being polite and just replying that I wasn't interested, I've now just began deleting out right. If I do get a decent reply and and just email once or twice and it doesn't seem like there is chemistry, I am slammed because of it.

I know that male submissive complain about these sites, but if you were in my shoes you might understand why you might not get a response.

It would help you better if:

1. Just be up front and friendly, Don't call me Goddess, Mistress or any thing else that is a title that you have no right to call me yet.(You have no idea how this might offend me) Indicate that what was it in the ad that attracted you to me.

2. Have a picture. Really let's be honest that there has to be an attraction factor, as least for me. If I posted my pictures then I expect the same at least in a email, this is a online personal site and No just because I am dominant that does not mean that I have to respond just because you are a submissive.

3. Have patience and not be insistent by sending emails everyday asking why I have not responded..Dude you are giving me the creeps by doing that.

Also know that I may respond but it's going to take a little bit of email and phone chat to feel you out. That means feeling comfortable enough to eventually meet in a public place.

At this rate I doubt I will either have the time, mental organization, or energy to even look at submissive ads.

The manner of dress

2008-01-28T11:17:00.000-05:00

I've talked to many different folks regarding how they dress when they play, if it makes a difference, and even how silly it is at times.

For me I do happen to have a fetish with dressing up. I love to feel leather on my skin, I love the scent of it, especially if it's mines and it's develop that special scent that comes from my own body oils and my favorite perfume.

I like wearing the high heels, the stocking, the latex and especially love the corsets.

So why the almost naked picture of myself, you might ask? Because although I love to dress up and enjoy the way the clothing makes me feel sexy and glamorous, it's usually not the way I end up playing if I am in a intimate scene.

I like it if the submissive or bottom feels my naked skin while I am doing all sort of things to her or him. If it's a heavy workout with floggers, paddles, or quirts, then I might build up a sweat, and trust me I don't want to ruin my often 400 dollars a pop corsets. There is also the practical aspects of playing in tight corsets and high heels, it's called balance and stepping of delicate submissive toes. Therefore if you see me play in public you'll most likely see me remove my high heels and corset, simply because the freedom and maneuverability for my body helps me enhance the scene for my play partner.

In a intimate setting if my submissive or bottom is blindfolded and helpless, it just seems like the natural extension of myself that my skin be what they encounter and feel. If it's a play partner that I am sexually involved with it's more then natural to be naked and use them in between flogging or while tieing them in bondage positions. I find it ridiculous to think that a femdom has to always be this iron maiden bitch that can't enjoy sex. For those types of sexual scenes clothing really doesn't have a point.

Of course not all scenes are like this, and at times it is useful if I want to role play, to have a uniform for the visual. There is also the partner dynamics where sex is not a factor. Yes you can have these type of relationships where there really is no physical sex, but a sexual component. In these dynamics, clothing does help in distancing and getting some submissives into that head space. That being said, the clothing could be something as simple as jeans and a tank top for me, if he or she is naked. I find clothing in these cases to be fun visually, help with distancing to enhance the power exchange, and provide a backdrop to what ever scene I might have planned.

I do not wear leather 24.7 or wear latex at every party. No sometimes, a lacy dress or if it's a casual party, jeans and a tank top will do. Do I add elements that make me feel sexy if it's casual, you bet. Some times I am in a leather butch top mood and I'll dress with my leather vest and leather pants and engineer boots. I'm Daddy that night and enjoy the head space my leathers give me. Other night I am that Femdom dressing head to toe in shiny latex, sometimes I dress in a sexy gown with spiky heels and even feathers for that Diva touch. It mainly depends on my mood, the setting, and the party atmosphere. I find it pleasurable to dress up, and it's part of the fun for me being in a lifestyle where I can wear these outrageous non vanilla clothing.

foolish girl

2008-01-27T01:42:00.000-05:00

Well I can't quite believe that K. egged me on as much as she did. I think it was more a product of that second Glass of wine and her giggles that made me lose reason.

Yes, I committed the deadly act of putting an ad in alt.com. Shoot me now, I merely did it on a giggle girl fest of what horrific ads I would get. And yes I has received quite enough to make me hold my tummy in hysterical laughter.

Funny thing was all the local folk that did response and actually knew me in real life. Most were surprised that I was looking for a submissive partner. Most thought I was off limits.

One particular gentleman I even on occasion played with lightly, always seem to have flirted with him but he was a submissive butterfly and me well my dance card was always full.

He writes to me this evening say "Yes!! I do know you, but I thought you were off limits because of your partner." Yeah I am a switch and yes that would be my husband but I do play with plenty of folks.

Of course social butterfly submissive writes another jab " I've have a secret crush on you for years, but you intimidated the crap out of me." WTF? What me little ol me?

I sit here now aghast and really wonder what do I project of myself. Does the fact that I switch in public with my husband throw off a bad vibe? That can't be since I end up topping at most of these events.

What the hell intimidates people around me? I need to work on more social skills in that case.

Social butterfly wants to meet for dinner, I think I need to grill him more and get answers.

But the most surprising thing is that I have gotten better repsonses to this ad then craig list, go figure.

Of course the majority of them being much older then I was looking for, but hey if the chemistry is there then I have no problem with it.

these boots are made for walking

2008-01-25T11:03:00.000-05:00

One of the lovely things about traveling as much as I do, is getting to meet all these really cool kinky people.

There is also this warm fuzzy feeling that happens when you attend a bdsm convention and you are surrounded by like minded people and friends that you know very well through blogs or journals.

I've been asked many times why don't I present at these functions and the answer is simple. I really do not like public speaking. I like the one on one approach and often use the form of storytelling to convey a point. There is the knowledge that I have acquired through experience and time. I find it very hard to be able to cover any one topic is one setting. Life and people are not black and white.

I also know that sometimes, meeting folks that read me on my other journal is a bit scary, I've basically left my life as a open book and I find people that never seen me in real life treat me like I was family. Trust me getting a hugs and kisses from folks that you only read about is a bit of a rush. It's also very interesting when something inside clicks and you end up playing with these folks.

A lot of them have given me a peak into what makes them click, what scares them and what turns them on. I tend to find them more attractive just because I know that A. loves to have his hair pulled, or OG squirms when getting a OTK spanking. Some of my most memorable scenes in the last few years have been from friends that visit Miami or I pass through their towns.

Which brings up a bittersweet point, for all that I love to meet new people and causally play, there is always that long distance thing. There is the NRE that happens but can't be followed through. Meeting people locally is harder in a way because there isn't much in the getting to know you stages.

So as much as we love Shibaricon, BR, MAST, and this year we are attending the 1st annul south Florida convention,http://www.beyondleather.net/ I know that I'll meet many lovely new people that will make me wish I had more frequent flyer miles.

I know that south Florida does have a very active bdsm community, and it is a matter of getting involved and attending more local functions to find local partners.

I am looking forward to the beyond leather south Florida convention is April, our good friends Lochai and Jimi Tatu will be presenting and I believe I finally will get to meet Max from Seattle.

Perhaps, I might find someone local there, a girl can only hope.

Oh and one final note, I am working on adding podcast to this blog, hopefully by sometime next week. Stay tuned.

Defining "Prey"

2008-01-24T09:40:00.000-05:00

Axe from http://unspeakableaxe.com/sent me a comment asking the following:

“Ok now I need to ask.What would you consider "prey"?

Rather then answer in comment, I figure this deserves a post all by itself.

After returning from BRXX and having formed new friendships and re connecting with old friends there was a discussing regarding this on LJ.

My friend Liatha, http://liatha.livejournal.com/ described it best when a Dom told her what she really was.

I'm not a slut.I'm prey.

Sluts get fucked. Prey gets consumed.

That's me.I get consumed. By my need. By my greed. By my fear.

By the sensations I experience. And by the predators I play with.

And there really is no better way I can think of to put it.

I play with predators. I bait the lion.

I crave it. Like a man in the desert craves water.

I crave the fear. The intensity. The connection.

The pain. The give and take. The energy.

And I beg for more.

Granted, I met her in RL in BR but have known her via LJ for about 3 years. What struck me about her was just that. She instantly tripped a internal switch that makes me want not only to play with her, but wakes that inner Sadist in me.

For me at least, when I feel that energy and connection with someone, I tend sort of lose that tight grip on being the nice gentle Domme and Top and become that thing that is deep inside of me that makes me feel alive and predatory. I call that thing the beast within, because even though I can pet it and let it out sometimes, I have to keep a tight control of that sadist beast less I harm my playmate or partner.

I tend to feel it more with masochists, but I can also feel it with a submissive that really wants to please and serve. I get a glimpse of something intangible inside of them that silently tells me they want to be pushed, molded, made brand new. The dominant in me will push them to do very uncomfortable things just to see that glimpse again, to hear them ask me for it even though they are afraid of going there. Yes I tend to crave that sort of submission, the type that is willing to allow me to push and pull.

I will admit there are plenty of times when I just enjoy playing with friends and making them happy in the blissful land of endorphins. I love to see the happy floaty faces and get the warm hugs of mutual satisfaction. In those cases I consider myself more of service dominant and that beast within is properly locked in her cage.

Then there will be times when I play with someone that I’ve had the pleasure of knowing for a long time and have played often with and the cage within get unlocked, the beast walks out and the bottom or submissive sees it. The best part comes when they also want to pet that beast even though they know that it can bite.

I hope this answers your question Axe.

C.

2008-01-23T11:05:00.000-05:00

For the blogspot reader, let me introduce C. He was the 1st of the pick of responses to my Craig's list ad. Out of over 100 responses there were basically less then 20 that even came close to what I was looking for. I've met him over lunch and he does seem like a nice genuine guy.

C. is a cop and he is also Cuban like myself, which makes language fun if in a scene. Only thing with C. is that he is a virgin...... a BDSM virgin.

I go carefully with virgins because it's happened so many times before, where fantasy and reality do not mix.

For example I'll tell you about one client long ago that requested a session from me. He did inform me that he'd always had submissive fantasies and wanted to be taught from a professional how to please a dominant partner. I asked him to detail his fantasy for me so I could gauge what he was really looking for.

There was a lot of kneeling, some spanking and light bondage, but what stuck me the most when he was talking about his fantasy the high level of protocol. I correctly assumed that he had been in the aol dungeon chat rooms and this was what he had thought bdsm was all about.

Simple enough I thought to myself and agreed to meet him and to introduce him to a light session with light protocol.

He arrived at the proper time and I sat down with him to go over the "rules" and what I expected from him. I explained safe words, and that based on our conversation that that session would be more along the lines of light training. I asked him if he wanted what I had proposed and he said yes.

I taught him commands that I would say in German or Spanish and what those commands would mean. If I said "Knien" It meant that he should kneel a certain way. If I said "Ven" he should follow me always staying a bit behind me, etc etc.

We had done well about that point, he was eager to learn as much as he could. When I moved him to the spanking bench, that's when things began to unravel for him. He had requested a spanking, but the reality of it finally clicked on a internal button and he told me he had to stop.

I asked him if he wanted to safeword out of the whole scene altogether and he said yes. I did talk to him and he was honest enough to admit that he didn't really like the feeling of submitting and it wasn't the spanking bench that through him off, but his mental picture of himself crawling after me that had disturbed him. He felt really guilty for having wasted my time, but I re assured him that it was perfectly ok to deal with pretty intense emotions when first venturing into the lifestyle.

He eventually did come back for another session and we did follow through with the spanking scene. He was by then much more comfortable with me and I had given him a lot of resources where he could learn more about BDSM and if it was right for him.

C. wants to please and submit to a woman but he also has never done this before. He is also wanting me to read his mind and that can wreak havoc. For now I am going to send him links that he can read up on and depending on how he feels, then a meeting should be set up for next week.

I do want to meet again and see if there is any sparks that fly. C. is not what I call "prey" but he's someone that I might enjoy service submission from.

The belt has no name, and it knows no mercy.

2008-01-22T01:21:00.000-05:00

Funny thing is that was my mother’s saying to my brothers when we were younger. Of course she used it as a threat since they were little hellions back then. Some times she simply take the belt out of the closet and place it on the hook on the kitchen wall. Never saying one word, she look at you and you knew the woman meant business.

This was the same woman that would grow very quiet sit down and stare down a choir of 250 people until they would shut up and pay attention. Before taking her seat she would slowly take off her watch and place it over the podium, making sure that she marked the time she took off the watch and the time it would take for the choir to be so silent that you could hear heartbeats. Of course she would deliberately take her time to put her watch back on and then calmly say “ Well that was 20 minutes more that we will have to practice.”

She held this aura of power that had people nearly in tears if they disappointed her. I sometimes think she was a bit of a sadist, simply in the creative ways she made you pay for your mistakes. Suffice it to say she used a lot of objects to get her point across, it didn’t mean that she depended on these objects themselves so much as she used their symbolic power to enforce her will.

I like how certain object do carry symbolism in a D/s dynamic, certain objects imply a particular fetish.

A belt : Childhood memories, corporal punishment

A paddle: High school or college punishment or frat initiation

Boots: powerful symbols of power or authority depending on the type.

I once gave a submissive a gift of a hairbrush, I’d comb her hair with that hairbrush, long smooth strokes at night, I’d also used the hairbrush to spank her. She came to love & hate that brush, never knowing how I was going to use it or if my request for it meant pain or pleasure.

But looking back at my mother, it wasn’t the objects that she used but how she used them to enhance her power. She taught me a lot of lessons regarding the symbolic power of objects and how to use that to influence.

So even though a potential submissive that I intend to meet this week states that he can’t show marks, it doesn’t mean that I will not make him hand me his belt and tell him. “The belt has no name and it knows no mercy.”

I will not use the belt to mark him physically, but I will mark him all the same.

Ahh the Ad

2008-01-21T10:44:00.000-05:00

I find the process of writing an ad to be annoying at best and down right intolerable and a complete waste of time at worse.

Why?

Because there is no way possible that a few words can completely describe what you are looking for, the typical response just proves my point.

For instance this was my ad on Craig's list:

Female top seeks rope enthusiast -

I am looking for a submissive partner that loves rope and will help me expand my rope skills. I am looking towards learning a lot more in the manner of Japanese/Asian rope skills and need a bottom that is willing to help me learn via practice.

I have been active in the bdsm scene for the last 23 years and although I am skilled in various other forms of play with a partner, I'd really like to develop my bondage skills further. I am not a professional Dominatrix (although I was in the past) but I seek more of a relationship where mutual respect, honesty and friendship is the main element.

If you are interested in a D/s relationship and if my ad is of interest to you then a response to my ad is welcomed.

You would think that ok, pretty much upfront and simple. I thought so as well until emails telling me this came along:

Mistress I'd love to be at your feet and be your submissive, I'd love to wear what ever manner of dress that you would force me to wear. Do you like your male slave to wear panties?

I don't expect intercourse when I was thinking about arousal, I just meant whether you'd let me take care of myself in your presence. Can you give me an idea of what you look like Mz. Carmen.

I'd fall more into the playmate category, with no problem submitting/bottoming during our play time together. I am not a 24 hour/7 days a week submissive kind of guy. Call it very selective submission on my part.

Do you wear High heels? I love women that wear leather or latex and have this thing for high heels. Can you send me a picture of yourself (preferably in high heels) I think I can be your submissive partner.

Of course I also got the typical Male Dom responses as well. You know the type that insist that I really don't want a submissive partner but rather I am looking for a true dominant man to show me the ropes.

Thank you very much I do have one, he's called my Husband and no where in my ad did I notice I was looking for Mr. Domly Dom.

I shudder to think what the response of true lack of would be if I posted such an ad in Alt Bondage or Collerme.

A friend asked do I ever look at the male submissive ads myself, and yes I do but all what begins a promising some times does fizzle.

It's enough to make a girl give up, but then again I have to believe that there is someone out there that is pretty much straight forward and that there is chemistry.

and yes there is the OTHER part.. chemistry.

Let's face it just because you are submissive or dominant if the mojo isn't going on then it's not going on. I think a lot of us would understand this better is we all read that book "Maybe he's just not that into you."

I am greedy, I do want a partner and playmate but I also want someone that makes me get hot and aroused when they submit to me. No I am not looking for the GQ model or the cute button girl. I am looking for someone that when I look at them I think to myself "prey". Looking for that submissive that makes me "want" to grab them by the hair and tell them a lot of nasty things I intend on doing to them.

My dominance isn't a service to someone, it's how I feel sexually and I want there to be this spark and flash that makes tieing someone up a horny and hot event for me as well. Otherwise if all I wanted to do is play then why bother seeking a relationship?

Thus it's a dating game with a bit of kink conversation involved, it means putting out ads, different ads and meeting a lot of folks and "seeing" if that spark is there.

It also means wading through ads and giving a few of them a second chance.

In the beginning

2008-01-20T14:18:00.000-05:00

Howdy and welcome.

You would figure that someone that is active in the bdsm community especially a dominant woman would not have ANY issues finding the right submissive partner.

Oh yes I do not have any problems finding casual play partners and yes I do get to play with a lots of folks at parties, bdsm conventions, and during my traveling adventures.

But that is not what I am looking for.

I am looking for that right submissive partner, be it a man or a woman that I can have a D/s, kink relationship. Yeah Carmen we are all looking for that right?

If you are you then know that it's not easy, for me in particular it's been a long off and on search.

This year I decided to be a lot more aggressive and to not settle, thus the title of this blog. My own personal quest to find that special person.

I plan on adding other elements into this blog like pictures, thoughts, humor and a little bit of my personal life as well.

As for personal history I suppose I could run a huge post on how I began, the epiphanies and a long list of how I became the person I am today. But nah I'll just resume it.

12 years old- While helping my father remove junk from a tenant's room discovered a book that changed me and disturbed me. A lot of Ah Hah! moments and I found myself identifying with the Villain/ Dom Sir Stephen ... that book was "The story of O."

17 years old - Began a relationship with a Man that had been stationed in Germany and had been trained by a Dominatrix. We had a year long D/s bondage training session, I learned a lot from him, that was until my 18th birthday when I gave my virginity to him and he then wanted to switch and be my submissive. I was too young and couldn't handle switching roles.

22 years old - Met my 1st husband who was a fetish model, we had a 24.7 D/s relationship outside of the bedroom where he was my Dom, but he would often switch in side of the bedroom where I was his Dom/me.

24 years old- met my Mentor and 1st Daddy, a Gay leather Master. He was my closest friend and taught me the history of BDSM, showed me Gay leather sex, took me as his little leather girl in the gay leather scene and introduced me to a lot of very cool folks. He developed the dominant masochist that I would later become.

33 years old - My leather daddy had passed away the year before, I left my husband and began a Pro Dom/me business. I was very active in the local south Florida fetish scene back in 97 and had quite a few relationships with submissive partners and casual scene friends.

34 years old - met two submissive partners that I maintained a long term D/s relationship with. unfortunely both relationships ended bad emotionally for each of us and I experienced heartache.

36 years old - I left Bdsm and the scene for a period of inner reflection and isolation, It was a needed break and an attempt to live without any bdsm in my life. I was mistaken that I could deny this part of myself.

39 years old and until now 43 - Met my second Husband and Amo (Master in Spanish) We have a very solid D/s, top /bottom relationship but Amo does not switch. We are very active in our local community and travel to other bdsm events. We love each other very much and are very happy with the way we work with each other. There have been attempts to bring in a submissive partner to fulfill my Top/Dom/me side but I've been content with casually playing... until now.

43 years old- 2008 - No longer willing to suppress the top/dom/me side I am looking yet again for a secondary submissive relationship. This is were I begin on my quest.