I am back!

ha why was I away.. well I was trying to have a baby and it didn't work. hmm. I'll tell you all about that one day but ths blog was not set up for that.

On the quest front.... B.

B and I have had conversation and meetings since feb and we are getting closer but still not there to the 1st meeting standards.

We do talk and for right now I am letting my membership laspe.

I wish I could write more but, not right now.

Beyond Leather 2008

I usually carry a few bags to any convention. One is usually all the rope I carry (a ton of 6mm hemp rope from twisted Monk and my pretty girly pink 8mm from Rainbow Rope)

The other bag normally Carries all my other toys, including my floggers, whips clamps and paddles. I so carry a scene specific small bag for the dungeon play areas.. normally I know what I want to do to some and what toys to bring down stairs.

I will be attending the "Beyond Leather." conference in south Florida and for once it's in my back yard so the money I would have spend on airfare allows me a bit of buying freedom.

The point of this post however, is aimed at how different this convention will be for me then the others in the past. For one this Amo will not be with me until almost the end of "BL2008" and also it will be the 1st time that I have already declined offers to play so basically my dance card will be empty. I am looking forward to just walking around the scenes and just observe. This time I will allow things to organically occur and not pre plan any activities other then the classes I want to take. This time I get to be the voyageur and it might be refreshing to drink in the energy of a lot of scenes as oppose to just the scenes I am involved with.

The reason for my shadow presences at "BL2008" mainly consists of moving forward from a very emotionally draining past few months and with the hope of regaining positive energy. The only person that I might play with and hopefully that does happen would be with Amo, since he's suffered along with me.

We are lucky these days that bdsm conventions are planned all throughout the country and abroad. We get to learn and mingle with people that understand us, we gather energy to inspires us and discover more. We also reconnect and sometimes need a reminder that this is where we are happy and who we are.

I haven't given up on the quest only took some time off because I needed it in order to heal. Attending this convention is more of a recharger then anything else.

I am sure that I post more about the weekend's outcome when we get back next week.

And now to do what every girl does precon... get gussy up ;-)

back from Prague and Czech Republic

Yes I am back to the States and yes the trip was a wonderful one. We visited Prague, Vienna and the Czech countryside.

I am just getting my bearings and finally back on eastern standard time.

Perhaps one day I might mention the real reason for going to this part of Europe but for now thats a rather private discussion that I am not quite ready to share.

Of course my in box is quite full and those that Ileft behind waiting to meet me are waiting to do so. Perhaps next week I might venture into looking at those ads again, right now there are other things pressing that need resolution before I continue.

I have some pictures loaded on my flickr account if anyone wants to view them:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/8748001@N04/

Switching

Sometimes my Dom husband does switch a little for me, it's more along the D/s line and nothing more then that. But I must say that when he does it turns me on in a huge way. He's not submissive at all, so when he lets me take control over him sexually it's like the black velvet box sort of a gift to me.

We had one of those nights last night, right before our trip which is a very intense and emotional trip for us.

I have in the past flogged him (more to show him technique and how it feels)
I have in the past tied him up (More for me to learn ties that I have not mastered)
I last night dominated him sexually(because I felt like it)

It doesn't change anything about us, but it's such a nice un expected gift that I am a very happy girl for it.

The resistance of our bodies

And the wickedness of knowing how far to push our bodies. Last weekend my husband and I went to a play party thinking I could meet a few folks there. Of course the gentlemen that did agree to meet me there never showed up and it was a huge loud party with over 500 guests.

Naturally I get bored and I wanted to show Amo a trick that I have known for ages. The match book trick.

Yes give a creative Sado Masochist any time with any object and yes her mind does tend to wonder and come up with all forms of delightful torture. Yes this is me always thinking how I can torment people with any object that I encounter. This pastime does help me with spur of the moment scenes in the most vanilla places, and the matchbook was one of them.

Back to the party, and I am terribly bored and well I had not decided to play with Amo yet, So I asked Amo to hand me a book of matches, I lit one and smiled.

Amo knows my smiles by now and knew I meant to do something with that lighted match, I blew it out almost right before it touched the top of my breast, quickly only touching it enough to produce a tiny red mark.

I explained that If I wanted to really do something else I would have left it a bit longer and then a blister would surface, but with care it would go away. I also explained that for newbees I would tie them to something solid beneath me and blow out the flame a bit higher and let it land on them, only causing small red dots on the skin.

Amo loves me and knows that I have done this countless times, but he always has the fear look in his eyes when he actually sees what I am capable of. I don't have any fear because I've done this so many times and have had this done to me, I know how far to push, that knowledge gives me freedom. That freedom allows me to explore the not physical aspects of this form of play but the mental, including the aspect of fear...I find this now to be the most enjoyable part.

Of course I have to know what my partner's body can tolerate or not. A fair skinned person I might have to be a bit more careful with. A submissive that doesn't handle pain too well, I might play more on the fear, a masochist I might make a blister a prize token that he or she will carry for two weeks, I might even sign my name on them to make it mean more.

The thing is to know what is the total process from infliction, to healing, til gone takes. also who is my submissive what is the body of my submissive, this knowledge helps me. Am I giving away too many secrets? scream if I do.

What I am willing to do to make sure that process is completed. That means being the attentive Domme and making sure that he or she is healed and is doing exactly what I request in terms of healing.. another post for this.

So I told him to get over it and to try it on me the next time around, he did and this time he didn't pull the blown out match away quickly, so a tiny little scar is there where he touched me, this was last Saturday 7 days ago. The mark will fade within another 7 days. I have to say I was very proud of him for going for the gut and testing me, my hubby is never scared of my dominance only intrigued. I like that about him, since he is a Dom himself.

He asked me if I would ever do that to someone, and I answered yes, but only for the right person. I don't know if it was my fearlessness or the way that I was confident in my answer, but he told me later:

" I now know why you intimidate certain people, you project that no fucking around aura. People that play with you know this instinctively."

I did remind my darling husband that I do play with him and he reminded me later that evening he is a excellent student and will one day be the student that teaches the Mistress.

Stood up, figures.

Seriously alt.com should change it's name to wanker.com, Or maybe waste of a huge amount of time.com.

One more strike across the list, is it any wonder that we dommes have it just as hard? I am leaving on Europeon trip in less then 7 days, so I might give the quest a rest until I come back. But in the mean time I'll still post, since I hope to be able to meet up with my German pals that are very much into bondage and have somewhat perfected the art.

I wonder if Prague has a bdsm community?

on meeting B

B is one of the gentlemen that I've been having several phone conversations, we are suppose to meet this Friday.

We've had this somewhat sexy banter going back and forth now for about a week's time. There seems to be chemistry there and maybe just maybe we might click. Which brings me to the subject of meeting folks and expectations.

We all have expectations when first meeting a potential partner. Your mind has developed all these scenarios based on what you already know about that person, more often then not it's your mind's version of the person and not who they really are. I tend to keep my expectations low and go more on physcial reactions and information gleamed by conversation. There is always some sort of nervousness because frankly it's a bit awkward and you need to observe mannerisms. You know that it's going good when there is laughter and ease, but this can simply be friendship, which is all well and good, but that is not the reason you agreed to meet.

THe agreement to meet was to see if the version of the person in your mind reconciles to the person before you and if there is that spark that allows both parties to continue dsicovering the reality of each person.

I've had meetings with submissive men that I thought went wrong, later to find out that they thought it went well and were dying to see me again. Too bad OG but we will get to play I promise. Then there have been meetings where I had high expectation and although the phone conversations seemed fine there simply was no chemistry. I don't mind making friends but there has to be something for both parties involved. When it goes well with both parties and you both know it, then a lot more happens.

So while my mind is already picturing B tied up in a chest harness and all manner of things are being discovered about him, the realist in my thinks the following:

1. What if he doesn't like me, what If I don't like him... this takes a bit of time and well getting the nerves out of the way.

2. What does his mannerisms tell me, what has he not told me yet that I will find out in that first meeting. What have I already learned reading in between the lines about him, some things I don't like and some I do.

3. How can we make this work, knowing his travel restriction and mine, will I feel the same about him as I do when I talk to him over the phone.

But what usually happens is if there is chemistry, right off the bat I feel a lot more relaxed and I tend to ask more questions. I will notice his mannerisms more and begin to test out his reactions to my touching him. I'll use certain words and gauge what happens from then on out. I notice his eyes and what happens to them when I suggest things.

If it's there then it's only a matter of finding a bit of privacy to feel him out more. I need to feel his submission or at least the willingness to submit to me, once I see that, then it's sort of a done deal and I move on. By showing me your willingness to submit to me you give me permission and I go forward and take. Yes I take liberties because you have become something that I desire.

B has planned a good part of the day for me on Friday and I am hoping it will be a good meeting, I am going to be honest and admit that there are the bits of nervousness that always happen for there is also that hope that things will happen quite normally for me and that I see the sparkle of submission in his eyes.